1.英语开心一刻

1.Who discovered America 谁发现了美洲 TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.PAPPU : Here it is!TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?CLASS : PAPPU！ 老师：帕普，去地图前找到北美洲。

帕普：在这儿！老师：正确。现在，大家告诉我，谁发现了美洲？课堂：帕普！2.Blind Date相亲 After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to！" 和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。

他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”

“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”3.A POOR MAN!"Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady, "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind." "You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins." "啊，可怜的人，"善良的老妇人惊叹道。"脚瘸就够惨的了，要是眼瞎就更糟了。

" "你说的一点儿没错，"那乞丐说。他显然是乞讨老手。

"我眼瞎的时候，人们老是给我外币。"4. A Second and A Million Dollars 一秒种与一百万 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second".一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问："主啊， 一百万美元对你意味着多少？"上帝回答："一便士."男子又问："那一百万年呢？"上帝说："一秒钟."最后男子请求道："上帝，我能得到一便士吗？"上帝回答："过一秒钟."5.MOSES & JESUS 摩西和耶稣 A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it。

once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".一个窃贼潜入一户人家。

他看到一个喜欢的CD机，他赶紧拿了。就在这个时候他听到有人说：“耶稣正在看着你。”

他照着手电看来看去，嘀咕着：“到底是什么人在说话？”这时，他看到桌子上有些钱，他又拿了。

那声音又来了：“耶稣正在看着你。”

他躲到一个角落，想找出是谁在说话。结果看到一只鹦鹉，于是他问鹦鹉：“是你在说话吗？”鹦鹉承认了。

小贼说：“你叫什么名字？”“摩西”。小贼说：“什么人给鸟取这种名字？”鹦鹉回答：“就是那个给他的罗威那犬取名为‘耶稣’的那个人啊。”

6.Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。

这个答案很有意思吧？ 7.Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn？ 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

He is really somebody （他真是一个大人物 ） -- My uncle has 。

2.开心一刻（英语笑话）有哪些

01。

小保姆嗓门特别大，主人叮嘱，今晚来的都是有身份的人，说话务必小声一点。吃完饭，主人客人玩牌，小保姆收拾完想早点休息，于是凑近男主人耳边轻声道：“那我先睡了哈。”

02。 有妞不泡，大逆不道。

见妞就泡，替天行道。胸脯高高，越摸越骚。

小腰细细，身怀绝技。身材小巧，没完没了。

屁股翘翘，要完还要。 03。

小夫妻一夜欢欲。事毕，老公去洗手间认真的清洗擦拭，妻问干嘛那么久？老公说：狙击枪用完就要保养，我的兄弟叫顺溜。

04。男子追赶公车一直到家都没赶上回来后对老婆说自己赶公车没赶上不过也好又锻炼了身体又赚了1元钱老婆当时就怒了说你傻啊要追也追出租车啊至少赚个起步价 05。

单位组织体检，护士说领导心率一直不正常，遂请主任医师复检，复查后，主任和蔼地对护士说：以后把胸前的扣子扣好，可以提高工作效率。 06。

与一家上中产吃饭。丈夫在家炒股，有得色，说过去两三个月“炒得不错”。

女婿在金融界工作，谦称“挣点泡沫的钱”，丈母娘坚定地说，“泡沫越多越好！” 07。读书时一直暗恋她，但没勇气表白，更没胆量碰她。

毕业后，她已经结婚了，老公跟我是同学。那天下午，她抱着娃娃在喂奶，我找了个很好的借口。

我走到她面前，一把两手按住她的咪*咪，然后跟她娃娃说，喊叔叔，不喊不给吃！08。什么是剧透呢？有一位罗姓朋友作的更绝，他把自己的MSN名字改成“邓不利多死了”，然后不停地上线和下线。

于是所有人——包括完全不想被剧透的不幸人们——悲哀地看着屏幕上MSN提示窗口反覆提示“您的朋友‘邓不利多死了’已经上线…” 09。 今天，我开车走在一段收费公路上。

靠近一个收费亭的时候车酣袱丰惶莶耗奉同斧括子抛锚了。我只好在冒烟的车里等着，痛哭流涕，眼睁睁看着其他车子呼啸而过。

直到一个巡警过来帮我把车子推过了收费站。收费站里的妇女跟我说她很同情我，可是仍然收了我3块钱。

10。 玛丽太太因闯红灯上法庭。

法官盯着她看，问：玛丽太太？是的。你以前在西区小学当老师？是的，你怎么知道？法官笑了，我曾是你的学生。

玛丽太太也笑了，轻松起来。法官接着说，我等这一天等了20多年，现在罚你抄一千遍“我闯红灯错了，以后再也不犯了。”

3.开心一刻：收集5个获5个以上的英语笑话（包括中文哦）

Frog's Dream

A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.

The teller tells him, “ Yes, you are.”

The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”

The teller says, “In biology class!”

4.我要简短的英语笑话,急

开场白：Hello every one . Today I have a joke for you . Hope you will happy ~~~ 各位好。

今天我给大家带来一个笑话。希望你们能够开心！~~~ （都比较简单……希望采纳） Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。

但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?A: By treading on his corn？如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。

Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。

你说呢？Last week, Mrs Black went to London. She didn't know London very well, and she lost her way. Suddenly she saw a man near a bus stop. She went up to the man and said, “Excuse me! Can you tell me the way to the hospital, please?” The man smiled. He didn't know English! He came from Germany. But then he put his hand into his pocket, and took out an English dictionary. He looked up some words. Then he said slowly, “I'm sorry I can't understand you.”上周，布莱克夫人去了一趟伦敦。她不太熟悉伦敦，结果她迷路了。

突然她在一个公共汽车站附近看见一位男子。她急忙向这位男子走去，说道：“劳驾您一下！请您告诉我去医院的路，好吗？”这位男子笑了。

他听不懂英语。他来自德国。

但是他将手伸进了自己的衣袋里，从里面掏出了一本英语词典。他查找到了一些单词。

然后他一字一句地说：“我很抱歉我听不懂你说的话。”描述车祸现场：one car come,one car go,two car peng peng ,one car dieGeorge knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ”“ No,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ”“ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ？ ”乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。

当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ”“ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ”“ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?Jack: Certainly.Tom: And why?Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。

我该不该借给他？杰克：当然应该了。汤姆：为什么？杰克：否则他就该跟我借了。

5.开心一刻（英语笑话）有吗

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了

汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？

约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。

汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？

约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”

“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。

“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。

“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

6.两篇简单的英语日记

英语：

Today is Sunday. Hot weather. I and my best friend go swimming, swimming pools, many people. Then we go to a lot of things, they were very delicious. I like to eat the ice-crowm. I eat two. 16:00 us to go home. She in our home to eat meals, a very rich dinner.

翻译：

今天是星期天.天气很热.我和我最好的朋友去游泳，游泳池人很多。然后我们去吃了很多东西，它们都很美味。我最喜欢吃的是雪糕，所以我吃了两个.16点我们一起回家了.她在我们家吃的饭，晚餐十分丰盛.

英语：Today is the summer of nine days. These days playing very happy. Today, I had to be worked hard. 6:00 I got up, eat a bread, a bowl of milk. I wrote a morning of the operation. At noon, I was hungry. I eat instant noodles is not very tasty. I watched television, then worked hard to continue. From his mother, I helped my mother cooking, her mother very happy. Today, very happy day! !

翻译：

今天是暑假的第9天.这几天玩的很开心.今天我要写作业了.我6点就起来了，吃了一片面包，一碗牛奶.我写了一早上的作业.中午，我饿了。我吃的是泡面，不太好吃.我看了一会电视，然后继续写作业.晚上妈妈回来了，我帮妈妈做饭，妈妈很开心。 今天，一天很开心！！